Listen to “Blondie and Dagwood” on Spreaker.

The other day, Carol was picking up after me (I should say she was whistling a merry tune as she did so), when she said, “I can’t imagine what this place would look like if you were a bachelor.” I have photos should she be interested in knowing.

I’m not sure what the specific transgression was that caused Carol to make that remark (I know I ate red beans straight out of the Tupperware I’d frozen them in, but that was to save her from having to rinse and put another plate in the dishwasher, so it couldn’t have been that), but I am learning slowly but surely there is kind of a big gap between what she thinks picking up after myself etc. actually amounts to versus what my personal standards are.

“if you’re going to go right back in that bed that night, wouldn’t it be easier if the bed was already unmade and just waiting for you to plop on it. (Especially, if you’ve been out late and had to Uber home?)”

Take making the bed. I’ve honestly never understood the sense or importance behind that, especially if you aren’t expecting, say, guests. (When I was a bachelor, I never was expecting guests.) And if there are guests coming over, just close the bedroom door. The bedroom should be off limits anyway. I realize the bedroom is where you’re supposed to hang up a guest’s coat, but most of the guests I know would just sling theirs on the kitchen table anyway.

The main point is, if you’re going to go right back in that bed that night, wouldn’t it be easier if the bed was already unmade and just waiting for you to plop on it. (Especially, if you’ve been out late and had to Uber home?)

Hanging up clothes after taking them out of the dryer? Hey, there’s a reason all my clothes are Permapress. In fact, right before Carol and I got together, I’d gotten in the habit of pulling my clean clothes straight out of the dryer. Saved, what, about two steps? Plus, I knew where everything was, and didn’t even have to think about what to wear, since it was already in the dryer together and matched from the previous week.

Dishes are another thing. As a single man, you need to run the dishwasher maybe once per week (once every two weeks if you’ve trained yourself to eat leftovers out of the same container you brought them home from the Chinese restaurant in the first place). So what’s wrong with letting the dirty silverware, coffee mugs, shot glasses and jello shot trays accumulate in the sink, until you have a full load ready for the dishwasher and can load it all at once instead of piecemeal over two weeks.

And I don’t even understand dusting. You can’t hardly see it to dust it. As far as vacuuming, that is more related to dietary decisions on whether you’re eating a lot of potato chips or having your Chinese food on the couch in front of the TV.

Seems to me, in wrapping up this discussion, the best way to know where something is is to leave it right where you last used it. As you might have expected, I’ve tried all these rationales out on Carol over the two years we’ve been together. It should come as no surprise then, I’m now spending an unnecessary amount of time in my closet and dresser, looking for my clothes, turning down the bed every single night, dirtying a clean dish for no reason and lifting my feet for the vacuum to pass just about every week.

What I can’t figure is why Carol always seems so tired all the time. It’s not like we’ve been able to go out much during the pandemic, you know?