And now for something completely different…

March 12, 2020

Trump boasts coronavirus “totally contained,” as 50th state reports confirmed cases.

By Nate Mecredi

The Dystopian News Service

Guess what conveyance is not being blamed for the spread of coronavirus?

WASHINGTON-  President Donald Trump boldly stated the coronavirus is “completely contained,” as the 50th state has now reported confirmed cases of the virus.

“There’s no other state where it can go,” Trump explained in an impromptu press conference in front of a Mar-a-Lago salad bar. When asked to explain, Trump removed his hands from a bowl of tortilla chips, and brushed them on the back of a Secret Service agent. “It’s simple geometry,” the president said, “when something can’t spread any further, then it’s contained. Well, we don’t have 51, do we? Or 57 like Obama said?”

“At one point, according to these staffers, Trump pulled a Sharpie from his suit jacket, and spent two hours at a virus briefing painstakingly drawing virus images in a map of each of the countries of the European Union, mistaking it for a map of the U.S.”

A Trump administration official who spoke only on condition of obtaining a battery-operated respirator, later clarified the president meant simple “geography” not “geometry.” Trump adviser Kellyanne Conway then disputed the official’s clarification. “The president says what he says,” Conway tersely replied to a CNN reporter. “What, are you a geometrist?”

Privately, according to White House staffers, Trump has fumed over the delays in the virus reaching the “50 state containment” goal, complaining the delay has affected the stock market, for Trump a key measure of his crisis management skills. At one point, according to these staffers, Trump pulled a Sharpie from his suit jacket, and spent two hours at a virus briefing painstakingly drawing virus images in a map of each of the countries of the European Union, mistaking it for a map of the U.S.

Initially, Trump was said not to be upset when the goal of having one million test kits available for coronavirus detection fell 925,000 kits short. “That’s close enough to a million, right?” he reportedly told an executive of Deutsche Bank, who nodded approvingly.

According to insiders, a secret task force has been working on the containment strategy for several weeks. Progress, according to some in the administration, has been hampered by at times strident disagreements. “We couldn’t even agree on how many states there are,” said one task force member, who spoke only on condition of having someone else visit his nursing home-bound mother. “We’ve been conditioned since coming into the White House to only count the 30 states President Trump won in the election as the total number of states there are. We went through a lot of Sharpies before we were able to fix that one.”

In two unrelated events, Rep. Mark Meadows has replaced Mick Mulvaney as chief of staff. Meadows was chosen for his almost blind allegiance to President Trump, which was considered instrumental in offsetting a sudden and major sneezing fit by Meadows upon entering the Oval Office for the announcement.

Also, it was announced that Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos has declared that all government schools will rename their geography curricula as geometry. “We believe that this change will better prepare our students for the world they will be inheriting,” DeVos stated, standing under a Department of Education banner that read, “The best books are those that tell you what you know already.”

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