Listen to “Hair” on Spreaker.

As I continue to age, I’m losing more and more hair. That’s only natural, and I have no problem with it. What I’m having increasing problems with is that the hair that I have left is becoming more and more annoying and irritating.

I could be sitting quietly on the couch (could be? I can hear Carol observing), and all of a sudden out of nowhere, a hair in my eyebrow will start tickling me, and then really itching. I’ll have to stop whatever it is I’m doing (admittedly, not much kinetically speaking) and scratch it. I know this sounds like childish whining, but it happens with sufficient frequency, and again completely out of nowhere, that it eventually does rise to the level of an adult, or at least a senior adult, annoyance.

“I’m thinking if there was a time lapse video of me attending all my scratchings, I’d be like a third base coach giving signals to my hitter at the plate.”

It happens creepily on my legs and arms all the time. I’d swear it’s an ant or a gnat landing on me and crawling about. I’ll reach down to squash it, but there’s nothing there.Curiously, even the aggravating tickly feeling stops when I observe it, as if the mere act of looking at the offending area of arm or leg is aware of my sudden attention being paid to it. Like it’s some kind of psychosomatic thing. But then as soon as I look away, the tickly sensation comes right back.

And recently, I’ve become convinced my ears have taken on a kind of gremlins-like life of their own. I know from the haircuts I’m getting that my barber (and Carol currently) are spending increasing time around (and in) my ears with the trimmer, as if I’m morphing into a hobbit. But that inner ear hair has been driving me berserk of late. (Any of you thinking that this is somehow related to matters of personal hygiene can just shut it!) All day long, and during the night, the itching will start and just keep increasing until I address it. Given the regular attention I’ll always have to pay to earwax issues, I can tell you my ear passages are both cordon sanitaire areas of my anatomy. So it’s not like that at all.

I’m thinking if there was a time lapse video of me attending all my scratchings, I’d be like a third base coach giving signals to my hitter at the plate. And on the subject of baseball, I suppose I should also note, in the interest of full disclosure, that my usual, ah, “baseball player” scratching continues apace as well.

The other day, Carol and I were enjoying a socially-distanced afternoon in a local park, and it was a relief to actually be slapping and scratching real bugs that were causing all the itching and tickling.

I do admit that the phenomenon still affects the hair on my head, as it’s done my whole life. But the ever advancing lunar-like surface of that area of my body is providing a broader area of peace and a base of tranquility to my personal solar system.

Baldness. One small step for a man…