Baby talk

March 28, 2022

FETUS: What now? What’s with the hand pushing? It feels heavy.

MOM: You were kicking again, Sweetie. I like feeling it.

FETUS: So? That’s what I do. In fact, it’s all I know how to do. Leave me alone.

MOM: We can’t help it. We’re excited. Your due date is tomorrow.

FETUS: What’s a due date? And who’s this ‘we’?

MOM: Well, ‘we’ is your father and I. And due date means your birth date. You’re going to join us in life. Tomorrow!


MOM: Hey, take it easy. This is a blessed event.

FETUS: For who?

MOM: It’s ‘for whom’, dear. And your birth date is going to be the most important day of your life.

FETUS: Says you. And already you’re starting with the grammar? What exactly are you bringing me into, and don’t I get a choice in the matter?

MOM: It’s l called life, and, no, you don’t get a choice in the matter.

FETUS: Well, that doesn’t seem fair.

MOM: Hah, Get used to it.

FETUS: Uh, well, I have some questions.

You say I have freedoms. You say I have rights. But then you say I don’t have a choice. I don’t get it.

MOM: Go ahead. Ask your questions. It won’t matter. LOL. And why are you being so difficult already?

FETUS: What if I don’t want to be born? What if I like things just the way they are right now? And from the bits and pieces I’ve been hearing, life isn’t exactly a bowl of cherries. You’re not Ukrainian, I hope.

MOM: Life has its challenges.

FETUS: What if I don’t want any challenges? What if I just want to, you know, be. Like I am right now.

MOM: Because that’s not life. You have a right to life. You must exercise it!

FETUS: What’s life, anyway?

MOM: Life is…life is…well, life is life, you know? You live and then you die.

FETUS: You don’t work in sales, I take it.

MOM: I mean, there’s good stuff in between.

FETUS: Go on, I’m listening.

MOM: Well, there’s freedom, for instance. Freedom to be whoever you want to be.

FETUS: What if I choose not to be?

MOM: Why would you ever choose that?

FETUS: I don’t know. Maybe I will.

MOM: Well, you can’t.

FETUS: You said I was free to be whatever I wanted to be. Well, I choose not to be.

MOM: That’s not a choice!

FETUS: Then what is?

MOM: Life. Life is the choice. The only choice.

FETUS: Well, suppose it’s not mine.

MOM: It’s not up to you.

FETUS: Then I’m not really free am I?

MOM: You’re twisting my words.

FETUS: Well, the words are twisted. You say I have freedoms. You say I have rights. But then you say I don’t have a choice. I don’t get it.

MOM: It’s complicated.

FETUS: Actually, it’s simple. I don’t have freedom, and I don’t have rights.

MOM: You’re making me sad.

FETUS: I’m only looking for the truth.

MOM: Well, I’m afraid I don’t know what the truth is.

FETUS: That’s okay. Maybe I should just figure it out for myself.

MOM: I’ll go along with that.

FETUS: So I can stay in here a while longer?

MOM: Oh, no you don’t. You’re coming out tomorrow, kid!

FETUS: Well, that doesn’t seem fair.

MOM: Good. I think you’re ready for life.

FETUS: I’m warning you, I’ll come out kicking and screaming.

MOM: Hah. We prefer it that way.

FETUS: You’re weird.

MOM: Life is weird.

FETUS: I’m starting to see that. I wish there was a way out of this.

MOM: Don’t even…

Want more Satirical humor? Click here!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *