Soap (and water) Opera Digest

March 26, 2020

THE BOLD AND THE SANITIZED: Rick suspects Laura when he sees her and Ted at the park standing only four feet apart. Al denies paternity for Rosemary’s baby based on social distancing guidelines. Bob, Carol, Ted and Alice continue their affairs in the ICU unit of  a Los Angeles hospital. Dennis goes spelunking in a cave that is home to bats.

OVERRUN HOSPITAL: Dr. Nick demonstrates how to maintain proper social distancing during surgery by performing a c-section using jury-rigged selfie sticks. Respiratory Therapists Ben and Jeri end their affair over the shortage of PPE’s. Hospital Administrator Canfield rescinds directive to make face masks out of toilet paper. Chief of Anesthesia Dan Sullivan tells staff to “wake me when this nightmare is over.” Epidemiologist Blake Garrett announces cure for the common cold.

“Richard says he knows it’s a Sunday “when the big paper comes.”

THE EDGE OF QUARANTINE: Dennis, who claimed climate change a hoax, succumbs to complications of the coronavirus, which he also claimed was a hoax. Laura tells Rick she lost her job at the Chicken Shack, and is now a home shopper. Belinda visits her grandmother, and is immediately cut out of the will.

THE SECRET STASH: Stan continues to attend his line dancing class that now extends to the middle of the parking lot of a drive-thru coronavirus test center. California cancels Taco Tuesdays due to a shortage of toilet paper. Neville and Clara put their children up for sale on Ebay following school closures.

THE DAYS OF THE WEEK: Moira shows up for her Wednesday appointment on Thursday. Released from prison as a non-violent offender, Earl makes x’s on the wall of his bedroom to keep track of the week. Richard says he knows it’s a Sunday “when the big paper comes.” The town of Payton Place does not know when Easter Sunday falls. Eddie and Lisa return from Mardi Gras drunk and with a dry cough. Rick tells Laura he’s fallen in love with Ted.

SEARCH FOR AN EXCUSE: President Whitford says he tested negative for a test he earlier denied taking. HEARSAYNews reports Democrats cause earthquakes, hurricanes, tornadoes, tsunamis and also kidnapped baby Yoda. The Vice-President’s Task Force declares Easter Sunday is “when we say it is.” Earl, not realizing he is in the wrong soap opera, is re-arrested for violating quarantine. President Whitford contracts the coronavirus and tries to hug Ruth Bader Ginsburg. The mayor of New Orleans says Hand Grenades and Shark Attacks are not treatments for coronavirus, and tells everyone to “please go home.” Rick, Laura and Ted volunteer at a drive-thru coronavirus test facility and sign up for line dancing lessons.

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