National Dysfunction Bureau

Social distancing to target couples that can’t stand each other: REPORT

by Nate Mecredi

MARCH 19, 2020

(CORNEDBEEF-ON-RYE, ENGLAND) A marriage counselor is using the principles of social distancing to assist couples in reconciling their marital issues.

“It works,” says Dr. Iago Othello, author of more than fifty books on divorce, including Just Slip Out The Back, Jack, Make a New Plan, Stan and Don’t Need To Be Coy, Roy. “I’ve been practicing it with my fourth wife, and it’s like we’ve fallen in love all over again.”

Dr. Othello believes many marriages fail because couples mistakenly put their faith in togetherness and companionship. “I’ve seen it time and again in my practice,” says Othello. “Couples tell me all the time they can’t stand the sight of each other, and I tell them they’ve just taken the first step to reconciling their differences.”

Othello said that weeks of social distancing as a result of the spread of the coronavirus has produced a  tremendous surge in people missing human contact. “Human beings are social animals. They thrive on contact. Take that away, and they suffer. I intend to apply those same principles to marriages that are in trouble.”

“It works,” says Dr. Iago Othello, author of more than fifty books on divorce, including Just Slip Out The Back, Jack, Make a New Plan, Stan and Don’t Need To Be Coy, Roy.”

Othello said he had initially explored the concept of social distancing in his 2002 work, Drop Off the Key, Lee. “Of course, no one called it that then. I worked with the more traditional concepts such as ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder,’ and so forth. It’s corny as hell, but that’s all I had at the time.”

But Othello also stated that social distancing does come at a price. “Due to the recommendation to avoid all means of public transportation as a way of limiting contact with those infected with the coronavirus, the publication of my new book, Hop On the Bus, Gus has been delayed for six months.”

In an unrelated development the Trump administration has unveiled a new public initiative, Familiarity Breeds Contempt, to underscore the urgency of the need for social distancing. “It’s very new, very beautiful and a very, very perfect way to deal with this crisis. Melania and I have been doing it for years,” Trump said.